FINALLY! The moment we had been waiting for and praying about for years was finally happening. God had spoken promises that we tightly held onto as we anxiously waited for our dream to come true. We were willing and ready to do whatever He wanted. Although moving overseas would be quite the undertaking, to say we were excited would be an understatement.
Then it happened. The wait was finally over, and we took our first step into… transition. Transition is the process of changing from one state or condition to another. Just typing that word makes me cringe. The emotions that years of waiting for the promise brought suddenly began to pale in comparison to the weight of emotions brought on by transition. To name a few of those emotions:
Grief – stepping out of many years of student ministry, seeing my position at work be posted, putting my childhood home up for rent, and getting ready to leave family and friends.
Tired – transition is a lot of work as we settle things in the present and prepare for our future at the same time. It almost feels like we are living two separate lives.
Guilt – taking our young children away from both sets of grandparents to live across the world
Nervous – learning to work with a new team of people, wondering if we will make any kind of difference.
Discomfort – my responsibilities began to be handed off and the less I had to do, the less I felt.
As I felt like my worth was being stripped away, I soon realized I had been placing my value in responsibilities. It was so easy to do and just as easy to question my worth when they were gone. I had painted a self-portrait that as long as I had something to offer to my church or work or life, then I was deemed valuable. There would be moments God would tell me snippets of what He had in store for my life. Those beautiful moments and words from God would send me daydreaming of the future with Him until I would ask myself, “what can I offer to this promise?” I would begin to tell myself I was not measuring up to the promises God had spoken. I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table that could possibly accomplish what God wanted to do. This would send my mind spiraling – “you need to get a useful degree”, “you need to learn more at work”, “your husband is a jack of all trades and you are not near as talented”, “God, I failed You. I should have prepared so much more. I do not deserve to even have a place at this table of promise - I am nothing!”
I’ll just stop there. It should seem obvious what was happening but it was not to me, so God did one of the things He does best: shepherd. He ever so gently and lovingly led me to the truth.
What I did not see was how I was living in the light of His promise instead of living in the light of HIM. I was living as though His promise is what gave me worth. This mindset caused me to believe I needed to be good enough for the promise and if I did not measure up, there was no way God could still use me. I also thought His promise would define my purpose. This is why it became so easy to do as much as I could in ministry, work, and life. Because the more I did, the more prepared and the more valuable I felt to the promise. I unintentionally found myself living as though I needed to earn the promise in order to walk in the promise.
The discomfort I encountered was not my worth being stripped away. Instead this false image I had of my worth was being re-defined. God spoke the truth that He alone makes me enough. HE is my worth, HE defines my purpose, HE IS my purpose.
If you are waiting on a promise and it is for self-validation or to prove you are worth something, know that His promises were never intended to showcase your capabilities. They were always for the purpose of proclaiming the praises of Him (1 Peter 2:9). If you are waiting for a promise in order to feel loved and valued, I encourage you to meditate on Psalm 139, and be reminded that you are a marvelous work of His hands, not because of what you do for Him but simply because He made you. Remind yourself today that the promises are supposed to point to Him, not us. Be confident that If He called you, then He will prepare the table with all the tools you need in order to do what He has asked.
My time with The Stewardship Group not only gave me a sense of purpose, it helped prepare me for the missions field more than I even realized. If the next step of your promise includes missions, there are so many ways to prepare for it. I would recommend checking out Mission Possible, a program founded by The Stewardship Group, which helps young people raise money to support their purpose. Through my connection with The Stewardship Group and United Pentecostal Foundation, I also learned more about LifeSprings which helps develop entrepreneurial programs that can support AIM and other missions work.